Daliberation of an Internal Path

After relaxing into three years of casual drawing, and after I don’t know how many drawings which I started and never put on a wall, I found out that dissatisfaction can actually be a much more significant motivator than success. It helps to poke at one’s own dissatisfaction and to accept it as an innate intelligent force, as a critic and a coach, one who enables you to improve. Without a teacher or peers available to push forward growth, what’s proving itself as an acceptable path forward, has been the continually questioning of this sense of internal dissatisfaction.

My dissatisfaction has essentially been my inability to capture the grist of a person, the subtleties of their defining traits. It’s this dissatisfaction that challenges each clean sheet. Doubt isn’t a problem. I know that it’s the act of repeatedly doing the work that is at hand with intention, that this particular element of dissatisfaction will either resolve itself or I’ll become accustomed to my own shortcomings.

…. but while that works itself out through repeated drawings, so many other opportunities arise that prove potentially interesting. Strategies for creating values, lines, brush strokes, erasure lifts, layering, edging, wiping, wiping….

“Jessica” 3.5”by 6” charcoal on recycled paper, 2021 Zygote

Yes… I’m dissatisfied, but I’m also usually delighted as well. It’s a space that I feel truly comfortable in. It’s what fills my mind when I wake up at three in the morning. It’s my pursuit of daydreams while weeding the beds. It’s my motivation.

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