I stopped drinking 28 days ago. It doesn’t sound like much when I hear it out loud, but those first few days weren’t measured in baby steps, they were measured in miles… Big… long… fuck’n miles. Still, I don’t think I’ve started my recovery yet. It’s gotten amazingly easier already, but I’m seeing a few troubling issues popping up as this plays out…
There’s a concern among some attempting recovery, we know that our behavior is going to change now that we’ve stopping drinking, after all that’s one of the reasons that we stop, to make a change… Right? But will I?… and who will I be? Will the people that loved me or found me interesting still want me around?… or will we just drift apart?
It’s not just a concern, it’s a real thing. People often like the medicated version of a loved one over the real and unmedicated version.
Just from passing observation, as a society we medicate our children and spouses all the time to make them more agreeable. Many of us found this as a workable reason, along with many other, to habitually self medicate ourselves into being someone that others would find more tolerable.
I’m remembering that the child inside of me, that grade schooler and young teen, was a child who felt very alone, (Important: Key word here is “felt”) asking questions that didn’t get answered, desperate for intentional and meaningful conversations (totally without the skills necessary for just that) and obviously needing appropriate attention from those charged with the task. The fact was that I wasn’t alone though; I was in the middle of a caring and wonderful community. The disconnect was that my personality was wired differently than most of the others around me and I did not understand its significance. Its a very real thing and it has very real effects if and when it’s not addressed. It affected why I wasn’t connecting in a way that felt positive for me and despite being in the midst of a community, I really was, in many ways, very much alone.
Well that’s changing…. Maybe recovery starts with looking directly at this and digging into personal development, going back to that uncomfortable place where I left off and using my adult skills to start growing again? I need to find the mentors that can help me develop the tools necessary to become more at ease with the uncomfortable and possibly finding more people like me…. not the artists with a drinking problem, but instead finding INFJs that are learning to find their balance as INFJs.